Sometimes I think my life as a writer is a curse. I have many feelings, and the best way for me to get them out is to write them out. I should have been born in a time without the internet -- where I couldn't hurt anyone by airing my feelings out to the universe. Still, I find this urge to write compelling. Sometimes I wish I didn't.
My whole life I have thought of myself as a person who could pretty easily avoid conflict and drama by staying pretty even-keeled and low-key. Even my best friend says that one of the qualities that she likes most about me is my ability to be pretty easy-going. I've always prided myself in this. I wanted not necessarily to be liked by everyone, but at least tolerated. I wanted to sail under the radar so that no one ever had any problems with me.
I've realized lately that that ideal of me is no longer true. While I still want to avoid conflict, conflict is inevitable. While I still want to be tolerated by everyone, certain people still find things in me that are difficult to manage.
I've had three dramas in my life lately: one with my best friend, one with my manager, and one with this amazing guy that I was hoping to get to know more. While each situation was vastly different, they all had one commonality: I had an opportunity to screw up big-time. I screwed up with my best friend by hurting her feelings -- an act I'd love to take back if I could. But I can't. I screwed up with the amazing guy by writing something (again, here comes my curse) that most likely damaged our ability to ever be together. The odd-ball out here is with my manager. I had an opportunity to screw up, and I didn't take it. Instead, I had a change of heart, and saw incredible results. I was blessed by this simple action. Why did I not think of doing that with the two others, whose feelings I respect and whose hearts I appreciate so much more than my boss? I don't know.
As a believer in Christ, I am extremely fallible. I am extremely vulnerable to Satan's whims. He loves to come and kill, steal, and destroy. He succeeded in two of the three situations I mentioned above. But I'm not going to let him steal my joy. He will not kill my future. And he will not destroy my hope. That I am not giving up. No way.
To the people who have fallen victim to my fallibility: I'm sorry. I am so, so, so sorry.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Day Four: When growth requires serious pruning
One of my favorite things to do on nice, sunny summer days like today is do yard work. I'm new to it all, so I'm just learning, but already I have a few potted plants, a weed-free lawn, and I'm starting a raised vegetable garden behind my house. It's been so much fun to plant new flowers and veggies in my garden and to watch them grow. Today I had some lettuce sprout up -- the first of all my plants to germinate -- and I was so excited by the growth that I saw, even though it was minute.
My yard did not always look this nice, though. When I moved in, it was quite overgrown, unattended to, and...well, dead. The bushes and trees were choked with dead branches, and would have died if I hadn't taken care of them. I cut a lot of the dead stuff out, and I wondered what might be left of the little bush once I was finished. But still, I knew that I had to cut that dead stuff out so that it could grow and flourish. In the end, I had an oversized pile of dead branches, and a very skinny, but very healthy-looking, rosebush standing before me.
This is a little bit like our lives, mine in particular. When we're apart from God, the Master Gardener (if you will), we allow our lives to become overgrown and malnourished. We may not see the negative consequences at first, but over time, they build and slowly choke out what was meant to be beautiful. Fortunately, God loves us no matter what we do or no matter how far we stray, but getting close to Him again takes serious pruning.
Like my rosebush, I had to cut off major branches in order for it to become beautiful again. We have times in all our lives where God "prunes" us -- times where He is cutting away at the dead stuff in our lives that choke us, and it hurts! I won't deny that. We are often left feeling vulnerable and unsteady -- but to the Master Gardener, we have returned to our natural beauty, and to the way we were made to be.
My yard did not always look this nice, though. When I moved in, it was quite overgrown, unattended to, and...well, dead. The bushes and trees were choked with dead branches, and would have died if I hadn't taken care of them. I cut a lot of the dead stuff out, and I wondered what might be left of the little bush once I was finished. But still, I knew that I had to cut that dead stuff out so that it could grow and flourish. In the end, I had an oversized pile of dead branches, and a very skinny, but very healthy-looking, rosebush standing before me.
This is a little bit like our lives, mine in particular. When we're apart from God, the Master Gardener (if you will), we allow our lives to become overgrown and malnourished. We may not see the negative consequences at first, but over time, they build and slowly choke out what was meant to be beautiful. Fortunately, God loves us no matter what we do or no matter how far we stray, but getting close to Him again takes serious pruning.
Like my rosebush, I had to cut off major branches in order for it to become beautiful again. We have times in all our lives where God "prunes" us -- times where He is cutting away at the dead stuff in our lives that choke us, and it hurts! I won't deny that. We are often left feeling vulnerable and unsteady -- but to the Master Gardener, we have returned to our natural beauty, and to the way we were made to be.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Day Three: Something worth fighting for
It bothers me that Christians are viewed as a group who'll shoot their own wounded. After all, how can they be viewed as anything but crazy if all they do is criticize each other and fight over the dumbest things.
I can only speak for myself (and, I think, my whole church) here, but there are certain things that I won't fight for. I won't fight over whether or not a person can lose his or her salvation, but I will fight over the fact that Jesus Christ did indeed bear our sins on the cross as a sacrifice that we couldn't make ourselves. I'll fight over that.
I won't fight over what a person wears to church -- that's his or her own prerogative -- or about the type of music that is played during a worship service. I won't fight over creeds or the role of women in the church or even about abortion or presidential elections. To me, that's all moot. We could be dead wrong and still have a solid relationship with Jesus.
It bothers me that churches are divided over petty issues that, in the end, have no place in eternity. What does matter is looking into issues of salvation: who is Jesus? What did He do? And why in the world does it matter? These are the questions that ultimately will dictate where a person spends eternity. And that is something worth fighting for.
I can only speak for myself (and, I think, my whole church) here, but there are certain things that I won't fight for. I won't fight over whether or not a person can lose his or her salvation, but I will fight over the fact that Jesus Christ did indeed bear our sins on the cross as a sacrifice that we couldn't make ourselves. I'll fight over that.
I won't fight over what a person wears to church -- that's his or her own prerogative -- or about the type of music that is played during a worship service. I won't fight over creeds or the role of women in the church or even about abortion or presidential elections. To me, that's all moot. We could be dead wrong and still have a solid relationship with Jesus.
It bothers me that churches are divided over petty issues that, in the end, have no place in eternity. What does matter is looking into issues of salvation: who is Jesus? What did He do? And why in the world does it matter? These are the questions that ultimately will dictate where a person spends eternity. And that is something worth fighting for.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Day Two: Come As You Are
One of the misconceptions about Christians is that we are an elite group of soap-box preaching, dress-wearing, right-wing fundamentalists who don't accept "real people" into their inner circle. To me, this is not only a tragedy, but it's just plain disgusting. Of everyone, Christians should be the most tolerant group of people. After all, if we're supposed to be living representations of Jesus Christ, then we should live as He lived -- and since Jesus hung out with the wrong crowd and loved them, it seems just plain wrong to turn our backs and shun people who struggle with addictions or "sketchy lifestyles." I put that in quotation marks because, after all, don't we all have sketchy lifestyles?
What bothers me is this idea that, in order to submit your life to Christ, you must have your act entirely cleaned up, all your questions answered, and you must re-register as a Republican. And what's up with that, anyway? Why are all Christians I know Republicans? It's like Jesus won't love you if you didn't vote for George W. Well, guess what, folks? I'm a registered Democrat. I voted for Obama, and I'm darn proud of it. And, although I might be stoned for saying so, I'm pretty sure that Jesus would be a Democrat if He were around today. After all, he was someone who was for the people. He cared about the little guys. And I'm pretty sure I remember Scripture saying that He shunned the guys who hogged all the money. It's a moot point, so I won't argue it, but I just want to throw the idea out there.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a Christian who has flaws. I won't go into my long list of misdemeanors here, but suffice it to say that I'm pretty sure I've broken almost all the commandments at one point or another. And wasn't it the Apostle Paul, one of the foremost leaders of the Early Church, who said that he was the chiefest of sinners? I mean, Paul was a murderer and a torturer, a persecutor, and pretty much an all-around jerk. And before he got his act together, he decided to follow what Jesus had for his life. And the Lord did big things with Paul, the jerk face jerk.
The bottom line is this: if you have questions about God, questions about being a Christian, or questions about what it means to be a Christian, you're in good company. That's a good place to be in. Don't be afraid to ask those questions. And certainly, don't think that you have to be cleaned up before you step foot in a church. Think of it like a hospital. You don't send healthy people to a hospital -- you send the sick, the wounded, the dying. God forbid that a doctor would ever send someone away because they had a gun shot wound from a gang fight. Or say, "Sorry, we can't help YOU" to someone who'd accidentally overdosed on drugs.
Church should be a haven for the sick and wounded, not a place where they are turned away. For those of you who are already involved in a church, what are you doing to be like Jesus to those who don't know Him? What are you doing so that they can feel safe, loved, and cared for? If you don't know the Lord and have questions, that's a healthy place to be. Feel free to ask questions -- that's healthy, too.
The important part is this: come as you are.
What bothers me is this idea that, in order to submit your life to Christ, you must have your act entirely cleaned up, all your questions answered, and you must re-register as a Republican. And what's up with that, anyway? Why are all Christians I know Republicans? It's like Jesus won't love you if you didn't vote for George W. Well, guess what, folks? I'm a registered Democrat. I voted for Obama, and I'm darn proud of it. And, although I might be stoned for saying so, I'm pretty sure that Jesus would be a Democrat if He were around today. After all, he was someone who was for the people. He cared about the little guys. And I'm pretty sure I remember Scripture saying that He shunned the guys who hogged all the money. It's a moot point, so I won't argue it, but I just want to throw the idea out there.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a Christian who has flaws. I won't go into my long list of misdemeanors here, but suffice it to say that I'm pretty sure I've broken almost all the commandments at one point or another. And wasn't it the Apostle Paul, one of the foremost leaders of the Early Church, who said that he was the chiefest of sinners? I mean, Paul was a murderer and a torturer, a persecutor, and pretty much an all-around jerk. And before he got his act together, he decided to follow what Jesus had for his life. And the Lord did big things with Paul, the jerk face jerk.
The bottom line is this: if you have questions about God, questions about being a Christian, or questions about what it means to be a Christian, you're in good company. That's a good place to be in. Don't be afraid to ask those questions. And certainly, don't think that you have to be cleaned up before you step foot in a church. Think of it like a hospital. You don't send healthy people to a hospital -- you send the sick, the wounded, the dying. God forbid that a doctor would ever send someone away because they had a gun shot wound from a gang fight. Or say, "Sorry, we can't help YOU" to someone who'd accidentally overdosed on drugs.
Church should be a haven for the sick and wounded, not a place where they are turned away. For those of you who are already involved in a church, what are you doing to be like Jesus to those who don't know Him? What are you doing so that they can feel safe, loved, and cared for? If you don't know the Lord and have questions, that's a healthy place to be. Feel free to ask questions -- that's healthy, too.
The important part is this: come as you are.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Day One: Trying Something New
I've had some big changes in my life in the past two months, and as a result, I have decided to MAKE some big changes, one of which is this blog. I have never been one to advertise my faith -- call it fear or shame or discretion, call it whatever you want, but I just haven't done it for whatever reason. But now I'm starting this blog and, though it's only a blog that only three people may ever read, I feel like it's an important step for me.
Let me begin with why I'm writing this at all: the changes in my life have forced me to reevaluate my priorities, and to look at how I'm living. And, quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw. I saw a frightened girl living in a 20-something's body, unwillingly living out the dreams that her high school teachers, mentors, and parents all set out before her. I got a BA, then an MA, then a Fulbright, and then turned 25, without feeling as though I'd really lived at all.
What I realized is that I lacked a purpose. Oh, I have goals, that's for sure, but I didn't have a purpose for my life. And that's what I think I finally have figured out. I moved towns, joined an awesome church, and am surrounded by Godly friends who encourage and challenge me in my daily walk. And I'm hoping to share some of that with you.
As I look back on my life thus far, I can clearly see that the times that I have been happiest and most content have been the times that I've been the closest to the Lord. Again, you can call this whatever you want -- delusion, a crutch, utter insanity -- but for me, it's true. When my faith is strongest, I feel the most satisfied. Period. And when it's been weak, I've struggled more often with depression, anxiety, loneliness, and wrong choices. I spent the last three years in a very dark period of my life. I was far from God, and so these negative emotions took their toll on me, whether I chose to admit it or not. I can see the consequences now, although it's far too late to change anything that I did.
I'm writing this blog as a real person who is a Christian. And I really don't like using that term because it has so many negative connotations. A "Christian" to the rest of the world is a bad label, a hypocrite, and a phony, not to mention a total dork. But I'm someone who struggles with real-life issues, too. I'm far from perfect (*gasp!*). I'm logical, although I think with my heart (does that sound too contradictory?). I'm always willing to see another side of things. And, maybe most importantly, I don't have all the answers. And I'm willing to admit that.
As I write this blog, I'm going to be exploring things that are going on around me. I'm going to throw out random observations about life and belief and doubt. I'm going to share ideas that are on my heart. Or I might just look at a passage of Scripture that I find particularly meaningful. Call it a "potpourri" of thoughts pertaining to faith and belief. A daily devotion, if you will.
Stay tuned. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Let me begin with why I'm writing this at all: the changes in my life have forced me to reevaluate my priorities, and to look at how I'm living. And, quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw. I saw a frightened girl living in a 20-something's body, unwillingly living out the dreams that her high school teachers, mentors, and parents all set out before her. I got a BA, then an MA, then a Fulbright, and then turned 25, without feeling as though I'd really lived at all.
What I realized is that I lacked a purpose. Oh, I have goals, that's for sure, but I didn't have a purpose for my life. And that's what I think I finally have figured out. I moved towns, joined an awesome church, and am surrounded by Godly friends who encourage and challenge me in my daily walk. And I'm hoping to share some of that with you.
As I look back on my life thus far, I can clearly see that the times that I have been happiest and most content have been the times that I've been the closest to the Lord. Again, you can call this whatever you want -- delusion, a crutch, utter insanity -- but for me, it's true. When my faith is strongest, I feel the most satisfied. Period. And when it's been weak, I've struggled more often with depression, anxiety, loneliness, and wrong choices. I spent the last three years in a very dark period of my life. I was far from God, and so these negative emotions took their toll on me, whether I chose to admit it or not. I can see the consequences now, although it's far too late to change anything that I did.
I'm writing this blog as a real person who is a Christian. And I really don't like using that term because it has so many negative connotations. A "Christian" to the rest of the world is a bad label, a hypocrite, and a phony, not to mention a total dork. But I'm someone who struggles with real-life issues, too. I'm far from perfect (*gasp!*). I'm logical, although I think with my heart (does that sound too contradictory?). I'm always willing to see another side of things. And, maybe most importantly, I don't have all the answers. And I'm willing to admit that.
As I write this blog, I'm going to be exploring things that are going on around me. I'm going to throw out random observations about life and belief and doubt. I'm going to share ideas that are on my heart. Or I might just look at a passage of Scripture that I find particularly meaningful. Call it a "potpourri" of thoughts pertaining to faith and belief. A daily devotion, if you will.
Stay tuned. You might be pleasantly surprised.
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